How not fitting in helped me find my people.
You may be thinking, “Yeah right, Lauren. You’ve always fit in!” Ha! I wish I could say that was true but what do we even mean when we say “fit in?” Blending in? Not standing out too much? Being liked by everyone?
As an adult, this has shown to be more difficult as we’re overwhelmed with multiple circles from the workplace, health/wellness space, to our circle of friends and family. We may find that we feel more at ease in one space rather than the other. We may feel confident in the workplace because we know that we kill it in our area of expertise. On the other hand, we may feel uncomfortable at family gatherings due to years of miscommunication and difference in values.
My personal experience with not fitting in has many layers.
It may have started with being born into a blended family. My parents both had been married previously and have children from their former spouses. The age difference between me and my half siblings was as large as 20 years and small as 15 years. I grew up feeling like the baby of the family rather than a younger sibling. I wasn’t old enough to hang out and was too young to understand or relate to my siblings. Fast forward to becoming an adult and I had to relearn who they were and how I fit into the family dynamic. Here I was, still too young to relate to their current season of life and only a few years older than my nephews and nieces.
Beyond the family dynamic, I’m a mixed kid with parents from the Philippines, yet never learned the language or grew up around Filipino culture or community. I was frowned upon for not knowing the native language Tagalog, but also admired for speaking English and being more “Americanized.” I am what we would call a “mestiza” (noun. A woman of mixed racial ancestry, especially of mixed European and Native American ancestry.) Thanks Google.
In most spaces, I received a lot of praise for being mixed. My mom is ½ Polish and ½ Filipino. My dad is a 100% Filipino. As I got older, I began to feel insecure about not looking Asian enough, not looking or being Filipino enough. I felt so disconnected from my own culture. So disconnected that I often forget that I am Filipino. Fast forward to college days - talk about culture shock! I had never seen so many Filipinos all in one place. I’m grateful they took me in and were super welcoming, however I felt so different from them. My interests, my humor, my way of talking and dressing - I couldn’t help but feel defeated. Here I was surrounded by my own people, yet didn’t have much in common.
Throughout the course of my life, I had been trying to blend in every space. The church, the Filipino community… The only space I felt safe being myself was surprisingly at school and in the dance community.
Dance is where I found my people. Not inside the studio, but in communities that I helped co-create. Inside the studio, I still felt like an outsider. There was always something setting me apart from the others. Either I wasn’t flexible enough, skinny enough, or I didn't have the best technique. It was in my last few years of college and post graduation where I found my stride. I was connected with people (shout out to KODACHROME VA) who recognized my strengths and invited me to be a part of something new and needed. KODACHROME is where I learned how to leverage my natural gifts and co-create spaces for all people to feel welcomed.
Hence, the birth of The Lion’s Den - a community-driven and operated organization dedicated to inclusion, creating safe spaces for people to express themselves through dance and movement. It was my heart to create a space for people to feel seen, noticed and loved. Threading my passion for dance and movement with my love for people was a win-win. (If you want more info on The Lion’s Den, shoot me a message! Would love to have you join us!)
Because of my life long journey of desiring to experience belonging and community, I’ve been able to help others find their tribe!
So, how exactly do we find our people, our tribe? Here’s a few ways that helped me along the way:
Discover what brings you joy.
Try something new! Take a class, join a meet-up - this step requires trial and error.
What spaces do you feel celebrated, appreciated and valued in?
Notice how you feel when you enter certain spaces. Do you feel seen? Do you feel like you matter?
If it doesn’t exist, create it.
Easier said than done, but if it matters to you, make a way for it to happen. Oftentimes the thing that annoys us or needs resolution is a nudge for us to take action. You have the power to create change!
Don’t wait to be invited - Initiate.
If you consider yourself an introvert this one may be tough, but trust me when I say “What’s the worst that could happen?” Someone says no? So what? The desire for change must be greater than the fear of rejection.
Treat others how you want to be treated.
We learned this when we were kids, and there is a reason for that… it works!
Give to others what you would give to yourself.
Make it a priority.
Flourishing relationships don’t happen by chance, they require intentionality, effort and consistency. Put it on your calendar. Set a reminder to call that friend, set up that coffee date, etc.
If finding your tribe has been a struggle for you, I feel you. You’re not alone. Cultivating community requires our time and attention and it can feel daunting if we overthink or expect too much from ourselves. Start small. Start with one person, one space, one passion. Just know, that others want the same exact thing… to feel connected, to feel safe and to be a part of something greater than themselves.
Let’s commit together to making a daily effort to connect with others and ourselves.
💛 Love & Light ⚡️
Lauren